Be More Creative

It's not quite summer yet but it sure feels like it. I've even had my first sunburn already, which will hopefully be my last sunburn of the year too. Sunburned knees hurt A LOT!

These pictures were taken a couple weeks ago. I am going to attempt to upload photos on the same day they are taken now instead of dumping my camera once a month, being overwhelmed by hundreds of photos and shutting down the computer. It's part of my "be more productive" goal that will hopefully lead to a "be more creative" outcome.

Flashback Friday #4 Hello, Goodbye

The day he was born was a rough one for me. I actually hung up on my mom when she called to tell me that I had a baby brother. It never occurred to me that you might be a boy, I was sure I was going to have a little sister named Sarah. Instead I had a stinky brother named Michael. This was my first taste of disappointment.



It didn't take me long to warm up to you. We shared the second bedroom in our small house and I can remember standing beside the crib, looking in through the bars and holding his little feet. Who knew finger nails could ever be that small. I loved to hug and squish him.



When Michael was 3 years old he was diagnosed with a spinal cord tumor and given one month to live without immediate surgery. My parents flew to Toronto with him and I lived with my grandparents. The doctors prepared us for possible paralysis and we excepted him to come home in a wheelchair. (He ran off the airplane to meet us at the airport.) At the time I didn't understand the seriousness of this event. I still can't fully understand it.



(Further proof that I am the smart one.) Christmas was the best. Having someone to share that excitement with.. the moment before our parents would give us the go ahead when we both sat shaking with excitement before the tree, counting presents and seeing who got the biggest one. Michael would rip his presents open one after the other and then sit and watch as I meticulously unwrapped my gifts.


There's a big gap without pictures of us because there's a big gap where we hated each other. Hated. Now I realize what a waste of time that was. I carry that regret with me even though my brother has forgiven me for how I treated him. (We're not just talking sibling rivalry here.)

It's taken years but I consider my brother one of my best friends. He's moving to Montreal tomorrow to start his new career at Aerospace as an Engineer and I am SO proud of him! I am going to miss him something fierce and will probably be making the same face that I am in the first photo but I'm excited to see what he's going to accomplish in his life.

The sky is yours Michael, one step at a time.

A few thoughts before we get on with it.

I've recently discovered that the problem with depression isn't the painful sadness or the intense apathy, the lack of hygiene and nutrition and sunshine and friends...

It's the fact that being depressed takes up a lot of time. Weeks, months, years go by in a haze and before you know it one morning you're waking up (exhausted) and looking at a calendar unable to recognize the date. 2010? How the hell did that happen?

Coming out of a depression is really like coming out of a coma.

The really sad thing is that I didn't even know I was depressed until I started to come out of it. I've been living life at a dull hum, not really doing anything except the bare minimum needed to get by. I have no excuses for this. I'm tired of making excuses.

I don't want to waste another minute of life! I've been making some small changes over the past month, getting out more, being with people more, taking photos and sewing and drawing. Getting dressed, showering, eating. The simple things. The things I used to enjoy doing. The things that make me "me".

So that's it. No more excuses, no more bullshit. It's time for me to get on my way.

Welcome to the new Oh So Retro Accessories! It will be very much like the old Oh So Retro except it will be updated regularly and kept organized. At least that's the plan.

You might have noticed that I've dropped the "Design" and replaced it with "Accessories". This is because I have renewed my business license and realized that my work is less about design and more about .. accessories. Less fashion & more function, as it were. I'm also hoping to do more local shows and thought that Oh So Retro Accessories was a better way to describe myself.

While working on my blog I went through my old photos to find an image for my header. I was really struck with how abruptly my photos stopped in the spring of 2008. There's still pictures but they're not the same, there's no flowers or trees or artsy fartsy macro shots. This is also around the time that I stopped sewing anything new - I'm still selling the same items in the same fabrics as I was in the spring of 2008. I was always aware of my depression, it was kind of a low level static that hung over me like gauze but I had no idea how deep it went.

I feel in a way as if I'm picking up where I left off. I won't ever be able to get those two years back but at least I can move forward from here. I don't ever want another year to go by with no pictures to add to the photo album. Or no money in my pocket, as is the case of not doing my sewing! It's all uphill from here & it feels good to finally be looking up.

Happy Easter!

Easter Eggs by Torsten Reuschling


I hope everyone had a great Easter or long weekend if you're not the Easter celebrating kind!

We decided to do away with a traditional meal and headed to my parents place for a barbecue instead. It looked like rain all week but at the last moment the weather cooperated. I was even able enjoy a cup of tea out on the patio with my mom, which is unheard of for an Easter weekend. I hope this weather keeps up, I want to get out for a bit of a walk every day and can't wait to use my balcony.

We had a really nice time hanging out with family. The Easter bunny even stopped by with some chocolate for me, which was rather nice of him considering I'm 31 years old and should not be eating a six pack of Cadbury eggs. (I won't complain though!)

I love a holiday weekend but I'm looking forward to getting back on track, especially since I have so much to do this week -- but more about that tomorrow. I'm going to be attempting to personalize my blog template so hopefully I won't mess it up!

Flashback Friday #1

(In true Adrienne fashion I am participating in my first Flashback Friday... on a Monday.)

I have been wanting to get my hands on this photo for a while now. Not for the people but for the lovely afghan on my grandmothers even lovelier sofa which happens to be the same afghan from Tias Flashback Friday banner. It must have been a kit sold in the 70s because I've seen it many times hiding in the background of old photos.

This was taken during Christmas at my grandmothers house. My brother is the baby, he's 4 months old and the life of the party, chatting up the ladies and showing off his brand new jogging suit. I'm 4 and probably on the floor playing with my cousins and our new toys. My mother is in the kitchen helping my grandmother with supper and my father is standing off to the side with my uncles and grandfather, like journalists, taking photos of the action. My aunts are smoking cigarettes and playing with the baby, because that seemed to be perfectly acceptable in 1982.

It's funny how something as simple as seeing the afghan from your grandmothers sofa in a photograph can bring back so many memories. I think that's why I like going thrift shopping. I will always find something that my grandmother had in her house like the sombrero salt shakers she kept on the back of the stove or the tacky ceramic walnut candy dish with the squirrel on it. I never buy these things, I just like to look at them and be transported back in time when life was very simple and very full.

Restructuring

I Know I Can I Be What I Want To Be by PhotoDu.de

I spent a lot of time thinking this winter.

Actually that's not true. As much as I hate to admit it, I spent a lot of time sleeping and feeling depressed this winter. I thought moving would help, but it's true what they say about running away from your problems. I thought a bigger window and more sunlight would help. I thought being back in my old neighbourhood would help. I even thought having a dishwasher would help. And it did, at first.

But it's not where I was physically that was the problem. It's where I was mentally. Where I am mentally. I was bored and unhappy with my life. I had to admit something to myself. I didn't want to sew anymore. I was completely burnt out and exhausted. I just couldn't do it anymore.

Once I decided to quit sewing I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. And oddly enough I wanted to sew again. So I started planning out some new wallets, thought about spring craft shows. I was almost euphoric with relief! I felt like myself again.

One day while drawing out a bill fold wallet, complete with sewing instructions, I realized that I loved the planning more than the sewing. I played around with this idea a bit, thought up some ideas & talked to Randy when he got home. We had a brain storming session and it was decided. I'm going to start making & selling my own patterns, fully illustrated by Randy!

It's at least a year since I've been really excited about my work. This first pattern will be 3 in 1 Simple Cases; card case, gadget case & glasses case. It's a beginner level pattern with learn to sew tips & techniques in it. I'm really pleased so far & can't wait to show you guys what I've been up to these past couple weeks. I have so many ideas that I've got my next 10 patterns already planned out!

I'm hoping to have it listed by Thursday, so if all goes well check back then for a free giveaway on my blog. :)

The View From Down Here

Things are starting to get exciting (messy) around here. We've got one week until we move into our new apartment, at least we think we do. We still haven't been given our moving date yet but it should be Sunday at the earliest or Tuesday at the latest. We've got our friends lined up to help us move, our boxes ready to pack and some polyfiller to patch up the walls that we decimated with artwork and Ikea shelving.

I've been trying to take in the moment and enjoy the last week here. I've moved a lot in my life and find there's always something I miss about each of my childhood homes and adulthood apartments. There are a lot of things I won't miss about my first (and last) basement apartment - the cemetery outside my living room window for one. There's something ominous about starting your day with a view of a burial. As well as the crunchy brown nylon carpet with the cigarette burns & the way cigarette smells come through the vents, the creepy caretaker who hugs me when Randy isn't home, the mouse infestation that said creepy caretaker wouldn't do anything about. (Mr. Boots to the rescue.)

In some ways though the last four years have been pretty good. This was the very first apartment that I got by myself & was able to experience living on my own. I learned how to cook here, in my tiny kitchen with the avocado green appliances and floral counter top.

When it was warm out I would sit on the front steps and wait for Randy after school. I could see his smile when he saw me, waving, kissing me hello. He started his career, bought his first suit, learned how to tie a tie, got a haircut and sensible shoes. He grew up & I turned 30.

We completely share this 500 square foot space, with his art supplies & my sewing supplies taking up every square inch. Every night after supper we listen to music & work. When we finish we show each other what we made and then spend the rest of the evening being lazy. I love these nights. Sitting on the couch watching TV or reading with the lamp light and blankets, the cat sleeping between us. That's what I will think of when I'm an old lady and I remember this apartment. That and the funerals.

In Which My Life Takes a Giant Leap

Tomorrow it will have been two weeks since Randy and I moved in together. The first week was pretty awesome because Randy was on holidays and we spent most of our time together having fun, staying up late, watching movies, eating ice cream, playing video games in our pajamas. It was basically like a glorified slumber party.

This week has been a little less fun and a lot more reality. We get up at 6:30 and I make Randy a lunch to take to work while our tea is steeping and he gets dressed in shirts and ties. He looks so much older to me these days but then again so do I. He kisses me goodbye and takes his lunch and goes to work and I close the door and am alone. I've wanted to spent my days working on Oh So Retro but so far that hasn't happened yet. This week has been all about getting organized, hopefully next week will be all about settling into routine.

Yesterday was my last day on Disability. I've received it since 2002. I used to work in an office as a bookkeeper, this is what I did after school. I loved my job and I loved the people I worked with and I loved the math and the office supplies and the business casual clothing. I had to quit my job after two years when my anxiety and depression took over my life. I was young and immature and I didn't know what I was going to do and at that point I didn't care. I moved back into my parents basement and slept through my early 20s. My family refers to this time as when I was "sick" - it's not like I had cancer or anything life threatening but I'm still surprised I survived.

I was approved for Disability after my doctor recommended I move out of my parents house. I knew I had to go but didn't know how I'd get out, at this point I could barely walk around the block. Actually I probably couldn't even do that. So I moved out with one roommate and that didn't work so I tried another and that worked out really well. Randy was a friend of a friend who also had a bad roommate and needed to move so we met and rented a little house and lived together for a year. We started dating and he moved out because it's really not realistic to live with someone you've just started dating. Especially when you're mentally ill and he's only 21. It was a bad scene.

To make a long blog entry short, I lived on my own thanks to Disability, and was on a work program which allowed me to supplement my income with Oh So Retro. I got better with a fantastic therapist, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, medication, exercise, diet, perseverance, support, love. I still have a hard time with agoraphobia and I can't work but my depression and mania are totally under control. I am happy.

I no longer qualify for Disability because according to the Manitoba government Randy and I are considered common law. I'm well enough to be in a stable, functional relationship with someone who loves me enough that they are willing to get up every morning and go to work to support me. This amazes me. I would love to be getting up every day and going to work again, and in a way I am, but for now this is good. This is why I get up and make his lunch at 6:30 in the morning, because while some girlfriends would never do that, it's a small sacrifice I can make for someone who has given me so much.

Third Time Is The Charm.

Hello again blog world.. I've decided to make another attempt at regular blogging. I used to be quite the avid blogged back in the day (when my life was more.. exciting) but had since found myself with little to say. Who wants to read about an agoraphobic girl and her cat? I've noticed a big increase in my tweeting though so I think I'm finally feeling like talking again. Being quiet for too long isn't good.

I've wanted to blog for a while now but wasn't sure what theme to take on, if it should have some kind of greater purpose, like featuring indie sellers or fashion or gluten free cooking or if it should just be a personal blog with a bit of everything. I've decided not to have a theme because I have a lot of different things to talk about - agoraphobic, celiac disease, sewing, starting my life with Randy, etc. The emphasis in my life is on self improvement and finding happiness and that's what I'm going to share.

There's lots of exciting things happening this year - I'm 30 now and I love it. LOVE it. Everything has finally come together for me. I struggled for years with anxiety and depression, stomach issues and agoraphobia. It's been very difficult. It wasn't just an issue of facing my fears and desensitizing myself to panic attacks, I had chronic stomach issues that triggered the panic and I knew if I could figure out what was making me sick I could finally find the end of the cycle I was stuck in. It took 15 years (I had a housebound period for about 6 of those 15) but finally I've been diagnosed properly with celiac disease and after two months on my gluten free diet I can go to more places than I have in years. (Can you believe there was a time not too long ago when I couldn't go into the fabric store? Sadness!) Every day is a challenge, and I don't want to fall back into old habits and become complacent with just getting by so this is my promise to myself, that I will keep trying until I reach my goal of being free of agoraphobia, getting my drivers license and living a "normal" life.

I'm getting ready for another big change too, Randy is moving in with me in three weeks. This will be the third time (the charm, we hope) and will signify the start of our "adult" life. (Better late than never..) We were waiting for him to graduate school and he has and is now working downtown at an architectural firm. We were going to get married but I think we're just going to sign the common law papers for now. You can file for common law status in Manitoba and you then have the same rights as a married couple, can change your last name, etc. One of the reasons is that I don't feel ready for a wedding - not a marriage, I feel totally ready to be married to Randy - but I have a lot of anxiety about having a wedding ceremony. It's silly I know but the thought of having a panic attack during my wedding makes me sad.

It's nice to be honest with myself, for once. I'm happy to be writing again, more for myself than an audience but it's always nice to find kindred spirits who are living through the same situations. It makes this life a lot more enjoyable, and that's the one thing my life has been missing.

Happy Birthday

50.365
Originally uploaded by ohsoretro

So another year is winding down & that means it's time to do the annual year in review meme... although to be honest I don't think this will be the most interesting year to review seeing as how I can't really remember anything that happened. :)

2008 Year In Review

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Ate tomatoes. (told you it wasn't an exciting year...) Got a cat. Had a real grown up dinner party. Saved money.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Most of them, except giving up caffeine. I gave up giving up caffeine though. I did challenge my agoraphobia and was finally able to eat in restaurants, lost weight and maintained a healthier diet and spent less time online. I didn't get my teeth fixed. I wanted to save enough money for a new kitchen table set too and I did but won't be buying it until we move in the spring.

2009 resolutions are to not buy anything until I need it (clothing, supplies, food, etc), to read more, to stop using emoticons (seriously) and to get my drivers license. And to get my teeth fixed. I'm not holding my breath on that one though.


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin had a baby boy. Ryan and Odessa had a baby boy. Laura and Ben and Robb and Kirsten are expecting in the spring. I got a cat, which is close enough for me.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
It was a good death free year.

5. What countries did you visit?
None.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A nicer place to live with Randy, with a dishwasher and balcony. More time with friends.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Probably the day the townhouse caught fire.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hitting 1000 sales on Etsy.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Had to borrow money from my parents one month to pay the rent.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Had a wicked flu in the spring, lost 15 lbs which kick started my new health consciousness. Salad is my friend.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Hmm... I don't think I made any large purchases this year.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Randy did really well at his co-op job and was asked to be a full time staff member next spring when he graduated. My brother took a vacation by himself to deal with his agoraphobia. My parents are finally happy in thier new house. I wasn't lazy.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Same answer as the last 8 yrs, George Bush.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, cat food, interfacing

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Obama!

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?
future of the left - the lord hates a coward
fleet foxes - blue ridge mountains
marnie stern - the package is wrapped

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? happier
ii. Thinner or fatter? thinner
iii. richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Hanging out with friends, going out.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Playing Packrat.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With a lot of food.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
My mom.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
5 yr anniversary in June 08 <3

23. How many one-night stands?
365.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Nancy Grace haha. I'm addicted to that shit.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is weak.

26. What was the best book you read?
Pride & Predjudice

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Future of the Left

28. What did you want and get?
A cat to keep away the mice.

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Probably Step Brothers. No Country for Old Men, Religulous and Kung Fu Panda were good too.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 30 and I had a lovely dinner with my fiance to celebrate my oldness.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
It involved a lot of dresses and tights in the summer and jumpers and turtlenecks in the winter.

33. What kept you sane?
Wine. Books. Mr Boots.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I had Obama fever. Also had a crush on Craig Ferguson.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Canadian and the US elections.

36. Who did you miss?
I would have liked to have spent more time with my friends but otherwise I was ok this year.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Jamie.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Drama breeds drama. Mind your own business and let others mind theirs. Quiet is good.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I pull back a bow towards the crowds.
I cannot stop even if it is allowed.
I spell your name out in the sand are you proud?
The arrow arches and it comes pouring down

There are dimensions I must enter to see what I am made of.
There are dimensions I must enter to see what I am made of.
The sea, these things I see, blow through.
What's right, this thing I fight, is good

Is there no way out of my mind?
I see beautiful and shimmering signs.
The Celtic Knights are calling me from behind.
You rearrange your mind, you rearrange your mind
Marnie Stern - The Package is Wrapped

365, again.

21.365
Originally uploaded by ohsoretro

I recently started a new 365 - you know, the flickr once-a-day photo project. I love the idea, in theory, but in practice I'm not so good.. as you can probably tell from my pitiful lack of blog updates. (I blame twitter. How am I supposed to get anything done when I'm tweeting all day?)

It's easier this time since my subject is so cute, and furry. The first time was around the house macro photos, and I made it three months but there's only so much stuff around the house to photograph. Mr Boots, on the other hand, is endlessly entertaining. He spends most of his time sitting next to me on top of the record player while I'm on the computer and I can't help but want to photograph all the sweet little things he does, how he tucks in his paws or rolls on his side or does a big meow at me if I'm ignoring him. I realize this fast tracks me into crazy cat lady status but I'm ok with that. After all I'm going to be 30 soon, I'm not married and I live in a basement apartment. Let's face it, I am a crazy cat lady.

Feel free to follow along Mr Boots' 365 on my flickr stream!

Hello.

I have self esteem issues.

This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone since I think every women in the history of the world has had self esteem issues. I've been feeling it a bit more lately than I usually do - maybe because I'm slowly approaching 30 (4 weeks!) or maybe because my shop hasn't been doing as well (recession!) and I've been questioning myself more. Being self aware is important, being too self aware isn't.

I try to be myself, with my lame jokes and tongue in cheek humour, my short hair and flared jeans, my bright colours and simple shapes but everywhere I look I'm being told that it's outdated, out of style, boring, old, mundane. (Of course somehow charcoal gray isn't boring these days.. go figure!) I want to be true to myself without compromising integrity, without giving in to trends or latching on to the things that, while I can appreciate as being hip, I don't identify with.

I like bold 60s patterns, gaudy 70s colours and god forbid, I like florals. I like politics and history and world culture. I like reading books and listening to music and playing video games. I cry when I watch The Biggest Loser. My favourite food is oatmeal and I live in a basement apartment with a cat and sometimes I have panic attacks at the grocery store. But that's ok. It's about time that I started to like her, maybe even get to know her better and appreciate her for who she is. Not what she wanted to present herself as or wishes she could be. It's time to let that all go. I can only understand how I see myself and the world, not how others see me.

Happiness!

14.365 Happiness
Originally uploaded by ohsoretro

Mr Boots and I stayed up late last night watching the election results. I knew I would be nervous (I was) but I didn't expect to be shocked and then so emotional. Even though he was clearly winning all evening, when they finally announced that Obama was the new president I was overwhelmed, and during his speech I wept. I only hope the change we see, the unity of gender, race, & age and the energy of the young carries over into every day life. The world deserves better and it finally feels like we're on the verge of something really good. I'm excited!

Happy Obama Day!

I can't believe November 4th is already here - it feels like Christmas! I love seeing how excited everyone is, it is really a global phenomenon. I was chatting about it with my mom last night (who doesn't really understand why we care so much about Obama) and I told her that, for me at least, it finally feels like the turning point towards goodness again. The entire world has been so weird since 9/11, full of negativity and hatred and sadness. I want to believe in the good of humanity, I want to have hope and happiness that a good life for everyone isn't just a dream but a reality.. it feels like it's possible again. It's all very exciting.

I'll be watching the returns tonight and working on my website. It hasn't been updated since I created it - oops. Embarrassing fact: I got sucked into playing an online game over the past 6 months, I'm talking major addiction here, and I kind of let my store go to the wayside. Actually I kind of let my entire life go to the wayside. I finally kicked the habit a few weeks ago and am ready to kick my butt back into business. I've got a big to-do list that I'm working on for Oh So Retro - blogging, photographing, new products, update website...

If anyone has any blogging tips for business let me know! I finally found a template I like and set it up last night. It's definitely a lot more complex than it used to be when blogger.com was new but I'm sure I'll figure it out. :)

I hope everyone has a great day - make sure you vote if you can! Enjoy the moment, we're in the midst of hisotry.

The Return

Hello!

So by now you've noticed that I didn't make good on my previous attempt at daily blogging. I'm trying again though, and this time I think I will make it stick. Instead of deleting the past entry and starting fresh I'm going to leave it up as a reminder to myself of where I've been and how far I have come.

When I read that entry I feel sad, I just sounded so defeated. Maybe I was in shock. My dad did turn down the job offer and was "reassigned" - only it turned out to be a great change for him. He's no longer stressed out so badly and that's made everyone happier. My parents did sell their house and move into a smaller home but instead of being 1000 miles away it's only one neighbourhood over. So all is well that ends well there.

I don't consider myself housebound anymore, at least not to the extent I once was. I still have a very hard time with my agoraphobia but every day I am out there trying. I can go to the post office and eat in restaurants and visit with Randys family and our friends, all the things I couldn't do before. I can even go to the corner store by myself when I need groceries. My mood is good, my sewing and creativity are up, life is good.

It will be even better if Obama wins tomorrow.

Oh & I finally got a cat to deal with those damn mice. :) (you can see him on my flickr stream!)

The Push

I'm sorry that I don't write anymore unless I'm trying to sell you something or showing off my consumerism or killing mice. I wanted to start blogging daily this year, to go along with my 365 photo project, but I didn't have time and then I didn't have much to say and so I just didn't.

The truth is that my anxiety has come back pretty bad over the last year and I am housebound again. Not to the degree I was before but I can't leave the house alone anymore because I'm afraid to close to door behind me and other odd quirks that make it very difficult to live. A lot of the old mental patterns from my early 20s have crept back into my head, the fear of standing still, the fear of walking in front of someone, the need to wear certain clothing in certain colors, etc. Things that are more obsession rituals than anything else. The ironic thing is that I'm more stable and sane (ie: not manic) than I've ever been in my life yet these thoughts and fears persist.

So my daily life basically consists of nothing. I go to my parents house a couple times a week to visit my mom and do my laundry. Sometimes she takes me to the grocery store. Randy and I will go shopping together in the evening once a week or so. I can't go to the post office anymore so I am just buying stamps in bulk at the corner store and mailing things that way. That's the extent of my social life.

I very rarely see my friends, maybe once every three months, and I've lost touch with almost all of my online friends. I have over 100 friends on facebook but I would say that maybe 3 of them are actual friends. Somehow I don't think I'm the only one like this. It's lonely to sit and see so many faces but not feel connected to any of them, even in an abstract online way.

I've been coasting along, not really depressed but not really content either. I was waiting for something to happen, something to push me back into life. "I'm not really living I'm just waiting time." I feel sorry for myself but I don't know how to be myself. I don't like the person I am. I don't act the way I want to act. I question my motives, everything is to be safe. I don't want to be agoraphobic anymore, it's extremely limiting. Everything revolves around being safe. I am not safe anymore.

This morning is my breaking point. My phone rang at 8 am, on the dot. I knew it was my mother because she knows that's when my alarm goes off. I knew it was bad news but not bad enough that she wanted to wake me up early to tell me. No one was dead but something was happening.

My dad lost his job today. Not in the pink slip traditional way, but in the "if you don't take this other job we're offering you then you're going to be demoted" kind of way. You spend 30 years working your way up a corporate ladder only to be told that you're too old to be profitable. Only they don't use the word old, they say risky. It's less offensive, apparently.

This is a roundabout way of saying that my parents are moving away and I am scared and sad. I can go with them if I want or I can stay here with Randy. My parents actually said that Randy and I could come and they would buy a house big enough for all of us but Randy won't go (and I don't blame him, he has a life here, unlike myself.)

I know people leave their parents all the time. They live thousands of miles apart and they are fine. Of course I don't know how many of them are agoraphobic and bipolar but I imagine that some of them must be. I keep saying that this will be good for me, this is what I need, this will be the push I am waiting for. (My mom is just as agoraphobic and dependent on me as I am on her, so it will be good for her too.) Maybe we need to get away from each other.

I don't want to end up being one of those weird daughters who gives up her own life for her parents only to regret it when they're dead. At the same time I don't want to be one of those far away daughters who only gets to see her parents twice a year and regrets it when they're dead.

I'm only two hours into what is going to be the most difficult (and possibly rewarding) experience of my adult life, other than Babas illness and death. You know that saying "Today is the first day of the rest of your life"? Well, here it is. It's about time.