Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Third Time Is The Charm.

Hello again blog world.. I've decided to make another attempt at regular blogging. I used to be quite the avid blogged back in the day (when my life was more.. exciting) but had since found myself with little to say. Who wants to read about an agoraphobic girl and her cat? I've noticed a big increase in my tweeting though so I think I'm finally feeling like talking again. Being quiet for too long isn't good.

I've wanted to blog for a while now but wasn't sure what theme to take on, if it should have some kind of greater purpose, like featuring indie sellers or fashion or gluten free cooking or if it should just be a personal blog with a bit of everything. I've decided not to have a theme because I have a lot of different things to talk about - agoraphobic, celiac disease, sewing, starting my life with Randy, etc. The emphasis in my life is on self improvement and finding happiness and that's what I'm going to share.

There's lots of exciting things happening this year - I'm 30 now and I love it. LOVE it. Everything has finally come together for me. I struggled for years with anxiety and depression, stomach issues and agoraphobia. It's been very difficult. It wasn't just an issue of facing my fears and desensitizing myself to panic attacks, I had chronic stomach issues that triggered the panic and I knew if I could figure out what was making me sick I could finally find the end of the cycle I was stuck in. It took 15 years (I had a housebound period for about 6 of those 15) but finally I've been diagnosed properly with celiac disease and after two months on my gluten free diet I can go to more places than I have in years. (Can you believe there was a time not too long ago when I couldn't go into the fabric store? Sadness!) Every day is a challenge, and I don't want to fall back into old habits and become complacent with just getting by so this is my promise to myself, that I will keep trying until I reach my goal of being free of agoraphobia, getting my drivers license and living a "normal" life.

I'm getting ready for another big change too, Randy is moving in with me in three weeks. This will be the third time (the charm, we hope) and will signify the start of our "adult" life. (Better late than never..) We were waiting for him to graduate school and he has and is now working downtown at an architectural firm. We were going to get married but I think we're just going to sign the common law papers for now. You can file for common law status in Manitoba and you then have the same rights as a married couple, can change your last name, etc. One of the reasons is that I don't feel ready for a wedding - not a marriage, I feel totally ready to be married to Randy - but I have a lot of anxiety about having a wedding ceremony. It's silly I know but the thought of having a panic attack during my wedding makes me sad.

It's nice to be honest with myself, for once. I'm happy to be writing again, more for myself than an audience but it's always nice to find kindred spirits who are living through the same situations. It makes this life a lot more enjoyable, and that's the one thing my life has been missing.


Jill said...

Thank you for sharing! Nice to know more about you :)

I share your recent lack of posting, I haven't posted much on my blog in the last few months at all.

Rebecca said...

Nice to read some honesty. I can relate to the depression and the anxiety, and the no drivers license or wedding ceremony as a result of those things... it's difficult when you realise that you're letting it control you, and you look back and see wasted opportunities... but its pretty sweet, and completely liberating when you start being able to manage it.