Friday, November 07, 2008
I have self esteem issues.
This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone since I think every women in the history of the world has had self esteem issues. I've been feeling it a bit more lately than I usually do - maybe because I'm slowly approaching 30 (4 weeks!) or maybe because my shop hasn't been doing as well (recession!) and I've been questioning myself more. Being self aware is important, being too self aware isn't.
I try to be myself, with my lame jokes and tongue in cheek humour, my short hair and flared jeans, my bright colours and simple shapes but everywhere I look I'm being told that it's outdated, out of style, boring, old, mundane. (Of course somehow charcoal gray isn't boring these days.. go figure!) I want to be true to myself without compromising integrity, without giving in to trends or latching on to the things that, while I can appreciate as being hip, I don't identify with.
I like bold 60s patterns, gaudy 70s colours and god forbid, I like florals. I like politics and history and world culture. I like reading books and listening to music and playing video games. I cry when I watch The Biggest Loser. My favourite food is oatmeal and I live in a basement apartment with a cat and sometimes I have panic attacks at the grocery store. But that's ok. It's about time that I started to like her, maybe even get to know her better and appreciate her for who she is. Not what she wanted to present herself as or wishes she could be. It's time to let that all go. I can only understand how I see myself and the world, not how others see me.