I have self esteem issues.
This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone since I think every women in the history of the world has had self esteem issues. I've been feeling it a bit more lately than I usually do - maybe because I'm slowly approaching 30 (4 weeks!) or maybe because my shop hasn't been doing as well (recession!) and I've been questioning myself more. Being self aware is important, being too self aware isn't.
I try to be myself, with my lame jokes and tongue in cheek humour, my short hair and flared jeans, my bright colours and simple shapes but everywhere I look I'm being told that it's outdated, out of style, boring, old, mundane. (Of course somehow charcoal gray isn't boring these days.. go figure!) I want to be true to myself without compromising integrity, without giving in to trends or latching on to the things that, while I can appreciate as being hip, I don't identify with.
I like bold 60s patterns, gaudy 70s colours and god forbid, I like florals. I like politics and history and world culture. I like reading books and listening to music and playing video games. I cry when I watch The Biggest Loser. My favourite food is oatmeal and I live in a basement apartment with a cat and sometimes I have panic attacks at the grocery store. But that's ok. It's about time that I started to like her, maybe even get to know her better and appreciate her for who she is. Not what she wanted to present herself as or wishes she could be. It's time to let that all go. I can only understand how I see myself and the world, not how others see me.
3 comments:
i do so hear you about approaching a milestone and wondering where/what/who you are. i've been and done the 30, and the 40 .... and the doubts are still there but there's also a kind of comfortableness about the whole 'me' issue creeping in there. i recognise now that i'm not x, y or z but am quite pleased at being 1, 2 and 3. i'm slowly developing a wardrobe style, a mothering style and a business style while continuing to grow. it's tiring but fun overall.
good luck in your journey. i 'started' late too but feel i'm much less of a clone for it all
I think you sound awesome. You definitely should not doubt yourself. You're doing better than most of us, I think :) You're beautiful, talented, cool, and true to yourself!
*sigh* the plight of knowing yourself, and being comfortable with yourself. The most important thing is to be able to say that you don't care what people's opinions of you are. After that, conquering the frozen food aisle, or ignoring whatever Vogue, Elle, and all the other vapid fashion mags say gets easier.
I happen to love the way you dress and your design style. Stick with it lady. And let me know how the entering your 30s thing goes. I have 10 months to go!
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